It only takes one person to change a relationship
Everyone experiences difficult relationships, or difficult parts of an otherwise good relationship. What do we do when we encounter these? We stew. We get frustrated. We blame the other person for how unreasonable they are.  We feel powerless when we have to deal with the person.  It all around just feels bad. It doesn't have to be that way.

You can't control how others behave. You can only control your own reactions. But if you change your own actions and attitudes around difficult encounters, you will find that you will improve your relationships. Guaranteed.

Ask for what you need
A colleague once came to me, exasperated about her manager. The manager had left her and some of her team members out of key decisions. Her manager was uncommunicative and left her feeling adrift, angry, and demeaned.  I listened for a long time. My own perception of this manager was that he was very competent and "managed up" well. I was confident that he respected his team.  But things were obviously awry between him and his staff.  Since I could not intervene directly without breaching confidentiality, I gave my colleague a few specific words of advice.

I told her to ask for a weekly meeting.  She needed to explain to the manager that in order for her to do her best work, to help him and the department achieve their goals, she needed a regular 'check-in time."  She asked that time be reserved only for discussing major issues and things that needed decisions made, so it would be the best use of his time.  I counseled her to frame the conversation in terms of helping further his success. I told her to wait until she cooled down  to talk him.

The very next day my colleague called me. She'd had the talk, and it went great.  The manager was receptive and grateful. My colleague was relieved.  The relationship was completely turned around. She thanked me profusely.  All she needed to do was ask for what she needed. 

Simply smile and be respectful
This seems so basic, yet it's easy to forget. Have a person who just rubs you the wrong way but you have to deal with them?  Dread dealing with them?  Just force yourself to be nice to them. Smile when you see them. Say their name when you greet them. Ask them how they are. Thank them for whatever they do for you or help you with. Wow, you'll be amazed how far this goes. You'll feel better encountering them. They will feel better dealing with you. You'll change the whole relationship. It won't happen in just one encounter. Just keep up your positive part of the exchange.

Understand that people make decisions and "see" the world differently
People have different ways they take in information that determines how they behave. Some people are analytical. They like a lot of information in writing.  It takes them a long time to make decisions because they like to crunch the data and analyze it before making a decision. Others are seat of the pants types. They make decisions quickly, often from a gut-feeling.   How we receive information is different too. Some people are very visual.  They use phrases like, "It looks to me..."  "The way I see it..."  Some are cued to feelings.  They'll say, "It feels to me like.."  Some are more tuned to auditory cues, ie'  "It sounds to me.." There is no right or wrong way here, people are just different. Understanding those differences is the key.

Adjustment yourself to the other person's style
My own personality is what the personality tests call a driver, or a controller.  I like to make decisions quickly and get moving. I'm also highly visual.  What matters to me is what I see.  If I don't see it, it's not likely to get my attention at all.

My husband is much more analytical and he's more of the sensory-feeling type than visual. This has caused both conflict and amusement in our long marriage. He knows the water softener needs a new bag of salt. Until the water turns brown, I would never notice.  He could care less about weeds in the front lawn. It matters to me because I see them every time I drive up to the house.

I adjust my expectations to know that when we need to decide something together, it's going to take longer than it would if it was something I have to decide alone. However, I know that my husband likes collecting data. He likes pouring over the information.  Since I hate doing that, we make a great team! He makes all the calls and goes on line to investigate roofing types, and comparing cost vs. attributes.  Then he'll show me the choices so we can talk about them. 

I know he's going to need to think about things. What I need is to not be there while he's going through that process. Because that will drive me crazy.

Likewise at work, I've had bosses who were analyticals. I learned to give them a pile of data in writing, then walk away and ask them about it the following week! 

Whether it's your family or your co-workers, be the one to show flexibility in how you behave.  Your relationships will all be better for it.


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