Making Love Last
I've been married a long time. I know I'm lucky.  My husband, Steve, is kind, funny, loving, and a great father. He accepts me for who I am. He is also a very wise person. These qualities made me fall in love with him when I was just 23 years old. (ok, he wasn't a father then, but I anticipated he'd be a great dad)  People ask us, "What's the secret to a long marriage?"

Here are my thoughts about  this. A top ten list if you will to a happy relationship, with no qualifications other than living them and observing them as best as I can.

Top 10 list of having a long and happy marriage

1. Marry the right person. Seriously. This is not a flip remark. How many people do you know who were or are in relationships and you're just shaking your head?  Listen to your friends and family if they don't like the person you're with. They've known you a long time, better than the person you're seeing. They see your lover with unvarnished eyes, not the love/lust tinted glasses you're seeing them through. If your best friend hates the man or woman you're with...run.

2. See your spouse for who they are, not what you think they are.  Marriages fail often because one person projected who they wanted their spouse to be..without regard for who they really are. Then at some point they realize their partner is really somebody else entirely. I know a couple where the woman married, thinking that the man she was marrying would become a rich businessman. How she thought this is a mystery, since when they met the man was wearing tie-dye shirts and barely making over minimum wage. Twenty years later he's STILL wearing tie-dye shirts and failing miserably at trying to run a small business. They're getting divorced. She never saw him for who he was. (and neither did he)

3. Appreciate positive traits, accept the weaknesses. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. We can choose which one we focus on in our partners. You can dwell on the flaws and have them drive you crazy, or feel grateful for the positive traits...the ones you fell in love with. The next time you feel like your spouse is annoying you, just stop and decide to simply appreciate their good qualities.

4. Say you're sorry.  Occasionally you're going to fight. Have misunderstandings. Be the one to say you're sorry. Even if you're still mad. Even if you think you're right. You can still say, "I'm sorry we fought."  Which is more important to you--to be happy or to be right?

5. Show your love every day. Small things matter. You don't have to give or receive a dozen roses every day. It's the small things that show the other person that you are thinking of them. My husband makes a healthy dinner for me because he knows I work long days and I'm tired when I get home. He knows I want to eat healthy meals.  He gets dinner ready for us so I don't have to cook on the weekdays.  I carefully put my hangers back in the closet after I get dressed in the bathroom in the morning because I know it bothers him to have the hangers clinging to the bath racks all day.  I flatten the milk cartons for the recycling bin the way he likes it done, when really, I could care less. He notices and says thank you. Small things.

6. Have realistic expectations.  It's not your spouse's sole responsibility to make you a happy person. You have to have the attitude, the love, the self respect, to be happy within yourself first.  Your relationship will be better when you are more fulfilled within yourself. Decide to be happy.

7. Talk.  Have actual conversations with your spouse.  Not just about the bills, the kids, or gossip. Talk about your dreams. Talk about what's going on with them.  Talk about current events, about your spiritual lives. Each of you will continue to grow as individuals. Don't be the one to wake up one day and realize you don't know who your spouse is anymore.

8. Tell the truth.  A successful relationship has to be built on trust. You can't have trust if there's lying and deceit. Deceit is omitting the truth too, not just boldly telling a lie. No matter how small. 

9. Have couple time. This is hard when kids are small. You're so focused just on parenting. But those kids will grow up--a lot faster than you think--and they'll be gone. Your spouse will still be there.  Have dates, have time alone after the kids go to bed. Do fun things together. Just hang out.

10. Know that time is fleeting. Every day is a gift. None of us knows how long we have in this life. Don't go to bed mad. Don't leave each other mad in the morning. It could be the last time you see your spouse alive. It's not a maudlin thought--it's recognizing that every moment matters. Do you want your last words to each other to be words of anger or of love?

Now go hug your wife, or your husband, or your partner, and your kids. Tell them you love them. And tell them every day.

(Do you have your own thoughts on making love last? Post a comment! If you like this blog, tell your friends about it!)