Liveyourbetterlife.com

Save Money Now

2009-02-22T17:16:00Z

Create Your Own Recession Action Plan
The recession is taking its toll on everyone. It's easy to feel anxious, angry, or helpless in the face of the huge issues we're facing. Nearly everyone from the blue collar worker to the executive is anxious about their job right now. Taking action in your own personal life is one way to feel that you have some sense of control during this challenging time.

Find ways to trim your personal and household budgets now. This is getting yourself into financial shape, just as an athlete trains for a big athletic event. The athlete doesn't wait until the day of the contest to get ready. They train for months or years so they're in peak condition. That's what we all have to do with our expenses. From the easy daily tasks to the more far-reaching, it's up to each of us to get as much control of our own financial habits as we can. Create your own saving money plan!

EVERYDAY ACTIONS
1. Begin keeping a record of everything you spend. Especially cash. You've got to know where your money is going. Cash slips through our fingers easily. Carry a little notebook with you to record cash expenditures. No matter how small. Know where all your money goes. Track your debit and credit card charges. Categorize it: Utilities, groceries, insurance, entertainment, education, etc. Divide your category list into the necessary and the flexible.
2. Prioritize what's important to you. Most people don't do this. Is going out to eat once a week really important to you, more important than other things you might be willing to do without? Is your gym club membership vital to your well-being? Is your hobby something that's still affordable? How about the car you drive? It's now fashionable to be frugal. Instead of keeping up with the Jones family, (who may now be in foreclosure) now we're all bragging about how much we've figured out to save. The pressure to live beyond your means is a thing of the past. Are you so overextended that you are at that point where you've got to take desperate measures?
3. Negotiate everything. Get comfortable asking for discounts or price reductions whenever you buy. See a button loose on the piece of clothing you like? As for a discount on it. The key to this is to be willing to say, "The marked price is not worth it to me with this flaw." And be willing to take it back. Most of the time you'll get a break on the price. On larger purchases, for anything, always bargain. Just say, "For me to buy that today, I've just got to be able to have a little lower price. What can you do for me?" You can play this two ways. You can tell them what you want to pay, or see what they say first. If you wait until they tell you what they can do, you know how motivated they are to make the sale. Never be embarrassed about this. You're offering to be a customer.
4. Convert to automatic payment plans. For any recurring bill you have, ask if you can save money by switching to an automatic credit card charge or checking account debit. Many companies will reduce the monthly bill or give you a free month. They know they have greater customer retention if they can get you on an automatic payment system.
5. Skip the daily gourmet coffee. Even if your habit is plain brew, you'll save $10 a week..that's is if you count just weekdays. That's 40 bucks a month. Or change from your fancy designer drink down to just the plain cup of coffee. It's about the same savings.
6. Shop for groceries more frequently. This has two advantages: You'll waste less food because things won't spoil in your refrigerator. Plus by shopping more often, you'll be more familiar with the prices and take advantage of specials. I've just started doing this in the last two months and I've been amazed at the savings.
7. Use coupons. Look for the supermarket coupons that reduce the entire bill, rather than a few cents off on individual products. Coupons are becoming more common now from other kinds of businesses. My car repair shop is now sending them out. Use them.
8. Join a supermarket rewards club. It does make a difference. In the northwest, both Safeway and Fred Meyer have reward plans.
9. Compare prices between stores on items you buy often. Trader Joe's has significantly lower prices on several items I like. Or try the low-priced grocery chains such as Winco Foods.
10. Compare ready-to cook entrée prices with what it would cost to make it yourself. Sometimes it is cheaper to buy the ready-to-cook item when you consider the cost of all the ingredients you need to buy. The locally owned health food store in the Portland area, New Seasons, has great prepared entrées for good prices.
12. Keep your tires inflated. It'll increase your mileage by about 5%.
12. Explore joining Costco, and go to one that has gas. It's 10 cents a gallon cheaper on average. Make sure you'll have more savings than the annual membership. Everyday household products are a lot cheaper there. One tip: always go in with a specific list and stick to it. It's very easy to spend more than you intended because you're enamored with the prices.
13. Turn down the heat one more degree.
14. Trim your cable, satellite bill, or internet bill. Know what you're really paying for. It's usually easy to trim $10-20 off your bill. Play vendors against each other. It's competitive business, and they want to keep you. Check to see if newer competitive services are available in your area such as Fios or Clearwire.
15. Cancel your hard line phone. Unless you need a fax machine, you can probably make do with your cell phone. About 25% of Americans already do.
16. Educate yourself about the economy and personal finances. There are many websites that offer free, timely information.. Check out cnnmoney.com

BIGGER ITEMS
1. Trade down to a car you can afford. If your car payment is a burden, consider selling it and trading down for a car that you can pay cash for. Cars are depreciating assets. Don't tie up your money in them. If you have three cars can you make do with two? If you have two can you go down to one? If you live in a downtown area, can you eliminate having a car entirely? Check out car sharing plans such as Zipcar.
2. Watch the mortgage rates. Rates are coming down. Refinancing at a rate where you can save real money may soon be an option if you have good credit.

INVEST IN YOURSELF
This may seem contrary to saving money. But now is the time to upgrade your marketable skills. You can save money here and there, but the best thing you can do is to keep your job, get a promotion, or find ways to make money outside of your regular job.

Take a class in something that will give you a new, usable skill. Learn how to use another piece of software. Get another professional certification. Improve your presentation skills. Your local community college is filled with these kinds of classes. Here's a list of community colleges by state. Check it out!

(Have a good way to save money that you'd like to share? Post a comment! If you like this blog, tell your friends about it!)

Thoughts for Valentine's Day

2009-02-14T17:13:00Z

Making Love Last
I've been married a long time. I know I'm lucky. My husband, Steve, is kind, funny, loving, and a great father. He accepts me for who I am. He is also a very wise person. These qualities made me fall in love with him when I was just 23 years old. (ok, he wasn't a father then, but I anticipated he'd be a great dad) People ask us, "What's the secret to a long marriage?"

Here are my thoughts about this. A top ten list if you will to a happy relationship, with no qualifications other than living them and observing them as best as I can.

Top 10 list of having a long and happy marriage

1. Marry the right person. Seriously. This is not a flip remark. How many people do you know who were or are in relationships and you're just shaking your head? Listen to your friends and family if they don't like the person you're with. They've known you a long time, better than the person you're seeing. They see your lover with unvarnished eyes, not the love/lust tinted glasses you're seeing them through. If your best friend hates the man or woman you're with...run.

2. See your spouse for who they are, not what you think they are. Marriages fail often because one person projected who they wanted their spouse to be..without regard for who they really are. Then at some point they realize their partner is really somebody else entirely. I know a couple where the woman married, thinking that the man she was marrying would become a rich businessman. How she thought this is a mystery, since when they met the man was wearing tie-dye shirts and barely making over minimum wage. Twenty years later he's STILL wearing tie-dye shirts and failing miserably at trying to run a small business. They're getting divorced. She never saw him for who he was. (and neither did he)

3. Appreciate positive traits, accept the weaknesses. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. We can choose which one we focus on in our partners. You can dwell on the flaws and have them drive you crazy, or feel grateful for the positive traits...the ones you fell in love with. The next time you feel like your spouse is annoying you, just stop and decide to simply appreciate their good qualities.

4. Say you're sorry. Occasionally you're going to fight. Have misunderstandings. Be the one to say you're sorry. Even if you're still mad. Even if you think you're right. You can still say, "I'm sorry we fought." Which is more important to you--to be happy or to be right?

5. Show your love every day. Small things matter. You don't have to give or receive a dozen roses every day. It's the small things that show the other person that you are thinking of them. My husband makes a healthy dinner for me because he knows I work long days and I'm tired when I get home. He knows I want to eat healthy meals. He gets dinner ready for us so I don't have to cook on the weekdays. I carefully put my hangers back in the closet after I get dressed in the bathroom in the morning because I know it bothers him to have the hangers clinging to the bath racks all day. I flatten the milk cartons for the recycling bin the way he likes it done, when really, I could care less. He notices and says thank you. Small things.

6. Have realistic expectations. It's not your spouse's sole responsibility to make you a happy person. You have to have the attitude, the love, the self respect, to be happy within yourself first. Your relationship will be better when you are more fulfilled within yourself. Decide to be happy.

7. Talk. Have actual conversations with your spouse. Not just about the bills, the kids, or gossip. Talk about your dreams. Talk about what's going on with them. Talk about current events, about your spiritual lives. Each of you will continue to grow as individuals. Don't be the one to wake up one day and realize you don't know who your spouse is anymore.

8. Tell the truth. A successful relationship has to be built on trust. You can't have trust if there's lying and deceit. Deceit is omitting the truth too, not just boldly telling a lie. No matter how small.

9. Have couple time. This is hard when kids are small. You're so focused just on parenting. But those kids will grow up--a lot faster than you think--and they'll be gone. Your spouse will still be there. Have dates, have time alone after the kids go to bed. Do fun things together. Just hang out.

10. Know that time is fleeting. Every day is a gift. None of us knows how long we have in this life. Don't go to bed mad. Don't leave each other mad in the morning. It could be the last time you see your spouse alive. It's not a maudlin thought--it's recognizing that every moment matters. Do you want your last words to each other to be words of anger or of love?

Now go hug your wife, or your husband, or your partner, and your kids. Tell them you love them. And tell them every day.

(Do you have your own thoughts on making love last? Post a comment! If you like this blog, tell your friends about it!)

Make it Your Intention to Succeed

2009-02-07T15:44:00Z

Intention is Everything
People want to know what the ultimate secret is to achieving their goals. It isn't the particular skills, the contacts, or the strategy that you develop. That comes later. It's your complete INTENTION to achieve your stated goal. This is true whether you want to quit smoking, lose weight, change careers, or become a world-famous filmmaker. (hold that thought)

What is intention?
Intention is knowing in your heart that you are dedicated to the outcome. That it's right, that it's in harmony with your nature, your essence, and your destiny. That you will succeed no matter what. You believe fully, with your whole being, that you will succeed. Once you are in that place, nothing can stop you. From there, all the goal setting, the skill development, your strategies, will follow. You are in the zone. And you can't force intention. If you find yourself trying to force intention, it won't work. Something is wrong--you either aren't ready to go forward for whatever reason, or what you're trying to do is simply not right for you.

George Lucas had it right. Remember the scene in Star Wars when Luke fails to lift his jet out of the swamp using only the power of his mind? Master Yoda then does it effortlessly. A dumbfounded Luke gasps, "I don't believe it." And Yoda wisely replies, "That is why you failed." (proving you can find truth in unlikely places)

Trying Isn't Good Enough
You can tell when people don't have the intention to succeed. It's easy to spot. They say, "I'm going to try to quit smoking." I'm going to try to lose weight." Try to start a business. TRY is the key word here. "Try" reveals doubt. The person does not fully believe they will achieve their goal. The "try" people usually say this with a slump in their shoulders. You know right away that person is not going to make it.

Compare that with the people who stand up confidently and state, "I'm going to quit smoking." "I'm going to lose 20 pounds by summer." Better yet, they speak in the present tense: "I'm a non-smoker." "I run marathons." They believe it. You believe it. They do it. Remember what else Yoda says? "Do or do not. There is no try."

Film Rat to Famous Filmmaker
I have a memorable story that demonstrates this. Years ago I worked as a publicist for what was then called the Northwest Film Study Center.The non-profit promoted independent filmmakers. One day a young man came to the office. He was dressed poorly, and his hair was disheveled and shaggy. He nearly looked like one of the homeless people in the neighborhood. But he marched right up to me and stated, "I'm a film director." He handed me a business card that said, "Film director." I knew his name. He had just finished a short black and white film. I chatted with him for a minute, thinking of him as just another one of what we called the local "film rats."

But I was impressed by how confident he was. He didn't say, "I'm trying to become a film director." He said "I AM a film director." And he had a business card stating it. None of other film rats did that.

The name of that guy is Gus Van Sant. The now world-famous, award-winning film director, Gus Van Sant.

What's Your Intention?
Take a moment to examine the level of your intentions. Are you at the "try" level or the "I'm already there" level? Once your intention is clear, the path to achieving your goal will be clear too. It will be as though it's already done.

(Have your own story about trying vs. intention? Post a comment! If you like this blog, tell your friends and associates about it.)

Life Comes with an Expiration Date

2009-01-31T20:08:00Z

Birthday Reflections
Today is my birthday. (hold the confetti) I won't say how old I am, just that for those of you who work in media, I'm not that far away from being out of the key demo! Old enough to have already lost friends to heart attacks, to know several women who are survivors of breast cancer. I'm now buying all those anti-wrinkle products. Man, those people are making a fortune on the boomers and "cuspers!" I feel so lucky to be here happy and healthy.

The Life You Have is Not by Accident
I'm sitting here looking out my home office window to a pastoral scene. Tall fir trees line our property. There's a covey of California quails that gather right outside my window, eating the birdseed that falls from the feeders on the deck. I always laugh at how the quail move with the little tufts sprouting from their heads bouncing back and forth. I love the sound of the red-tailed hawks overhead, the baying of the neighbor's sheep, that I can walk up the road and pet a horse's soft nose.

We live here because I always wanted to live in the country, not unlike where I grew up. I love how peaceful it is. It's good for the soul. This wasn't our first house. We bought another one first when we couldn't find property we could afford. Then 9 years later..after looking for two years, we bought this place. It was the property we loved. The house..well, let's just say that we had to replace the red velveteen wallpaper and the gold shag carpet.... just to start. But I love it. And it's no accident that we're here.

Everything in life is like that.

Sometimes you have to take stock.
As I reflect over the past year, (because my birthday is in January, it goes hand in hand with the whole New Year's Resolutions thing) I'm happy that I've made small changes that make a big difference in the quality of my life.

I now drive my daughter to school instead of having her take the bus. The ten minutes I get to spend with her in the car actually talking to a teenager is worth so much more than the ten minutes I lose at the office. I think about that adage, "No one on their death bed ever said, 'I wish I'd spent more time at the office'."

When I am at the office, I have felt such gratitude this past year to work with such an amazing, creative group of people. They're dedicated, fun, and so talented. It's a joy to work with them, even in the most difficult times. I'm making a point to appreciate that. I hope I express that enough to them.

I committed to taking better care of my health. Taking vitamins daily. (I really hate pills, so this is a major big deal for me.) I made a commitment to exercising 4 times a week. Losing weight. I feel better already than I have in a long time. I'll be able to backpack this summer, something I love to do.

I committed to studying and improving public speaking, one of my passions. I decided to share my thoughts to a wider audience by launching this and my other new website, rightnowcommunications.com.

I'm so happy when I hear from readers who say they were impacted by something I wrote. It's truly an honor to get that feedback!

These were all changes I made in the last year. Nothing dramatic. Just purposeful. Because life does come with an expiration date. So we better make it what we want. No one else will for us!

Take stock today in your life. Are there small changes you can make that will make a big difference for you?

(Have changes you've made that you'd like to share? Post a comment! Share this site with your friends! )

Today is a Great Day

2009-01-25T18:56:32Z

Start Your Mornings Right
Our daily attitude begins first thing in the morning. If things go wrong right away it's hard to recuperate. So wake up each morning with the attitude of, "Today is a Great Day!"

Do small things to make you feel good. When you feel good you're better able to manage the challenges of the day. Wait to turn on the morning news until you feel centered. You don't need to hear about the troubled economy and bombs going off as your very first thing to start your morning.

Jump start your attitude
My daughter listens to music she likes when she wakes up. I like stretching, meditating, or lighting scented candles in the bathroom while I'm getting dressed.

Here are a few ideas on little things you can do to start your day right:

Listen to music you enjoy.
Light scented candles in the bathroom
Close your eyes and sit quietly, meditating for a few minutes
Stretch
Write a note to put in your kid's lunch box on how much you love them
Give your kid a hug when they wake up. No matter how hold they are.
Exercise
Spend a few minutes reading spiritual material that speaks to you
Tell your spouse one thing you appreciate about them
Look out the window at the trees.
Look at a photo of one of your favorite vacations or funny moments
Use your favorite perfume, or for men, your favorite mens cologne

Then say, "This is going to be a great day." You'll be amazed at the difference this makes in how you feel just getting out the door to face the day!

(Share what you do to start your day right! Post a comment. If you like this blog, tell your friends and acquaintances!)

What is Right Now Power?

2009-01-18T19:54:00Z

Take Action Now
Right Now Power is simply this. Whenever you want to change something in your life or achieve a goal, you have to do specific actions. Every day. Right now. When we procrastinate, we find ourselves facing the same business issues, making the same New Year's resolutions every year, feeling the same frustrations that we don't have the life we want.

Often we have goals that take years to fully realize. Yet every day there is an action that is moving us toward that goal. An Olympic athlete did not achieve that level of performance in their first year of learning their sport. They choose specific skills to work on each year, each month, each week, each day.

Right Now TIme Management
Right Now Power is key to effective time management. We spin our wheels with interruptions and long to-do lists. What we need to do is ask ourselves the question, "What do I need to do RIGHT NOW that is the most effective use of my time in achieving my goals or my company's goals?"

Your Right Now list at work will consist of just a few vital things to focus on. They might include:

The Right Now Big Picture List

Leading and motivating staff
Sales development
Customer service
New product development.

These are big areas. You need to break it down into smaller actions that are more specific to the outcome:

Breaking it Down

Personal contact with every person who reports to me at least once a day
Meet with each of my supervisors for at least 30 minutes once a week
Attend 90% of client functions throughout year
Take 5 biggest clients to lunch at least once per quarter

Then you'll have a right now list for every day that might include actions like this:

The Right Now List

Have staff brainstorm meeting on goal X
Meet with supervisor-review project Y
Submit proposal on project Z
Attend evening client function and ask for meeting with 3 new prospects
Confirm lunch date with Big client A

Write it Down!
You should always have your goals in writing. Goals must be written with specific measurable results with a specific time line ie: "Sell $50,000 of new business by February 28, 2009."

In addition to your specific goals, write down your Right Now Big Picture list too. This will keep you on track, focusing on the areas that will lead you to achieving that goal. Your daily to-do list should grow from that.

Comments welcome. Post your opinions and insights. If you'd like more help with time management, check out my NEW website www.rightnowcommunications.com

Keep a Winning Attitude

2009-01-18T18:48:00Z

Hope and Optimism Wins
My daughter is in D.C. right now with a group of other high school students for this historic inauguration. At 7 AM our phone pierced our quiet morning. I rose from a deep sleep (it is the weekend after all) to to hear her screaming with unintelligible but joyful words. In the background I heard a cackle of young people and the wind blasting the cellphone. I had to ask her to slow down three times so I could understand her.

"I saw him! I saw Obama! I saw Obama! Like I was 20 feet away!" she screamed.

I've never heard my kid so excited. Not even when the cutest guy in school asked her out. Her group was visiting the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier and Obama was driving by in his limo. (did you hear they call his vehicle "The Beast" for all its super capabilities?) Obama had rolled the window down and was waving to the crowds just yards away. What a thrill!

RIght now the streets of D.C. are already packed with people from all over our country as well as citizens of countries from around the world who have traveled here to witness these moments. Why?

Because this individual has given us hope. His optimisim won him the presidency. His can-do, MUST-do message sang across this nation and into the wells of millions of Americans hearts. And we answered, "He's right. Yes. We can."

But it's not all up to our president. He is only one guy. It's yes WE can. It's his attitude that we should all emulate. It is going to take that.

Staying Positive Matters
Every one of us needs to stay positive. Our collective consciousness of possibility, of remaking our future for ourselves, our familes, and our country is what will generate the ideas and the innovation that will bring great things to all of us. That is what is at stake. No matter what field you work in, staying positive about our future, about change, is what will bring forth the ideas we need. We will reinvent ourselves, our businesses, our country. That is what is at stake. It's not business as usual. There has never been a more exciting time!

Remember this when you look at your "201K." I just did that, and like everyone else I felt a hole in my stomach. But think of this. Whatever that number is...it is still a whole lot more than what most people in the world have. Way more. Think of it when you look at your dismal business numbers. Ask what can I do differently? How can I look at this differently?

The other day I was talking to someone about being positive, who shared my optimism, when we were interrupted by another man who groaned, "We'll never have the same worth as we did. It's over. We'll be working until we're dead." Gee, did Eyore just show up? I replied, "I don't accept that." My positive thinking buddy chimed in, "We can't think that way." Guess which attitude is going to contribute more to a winning outcome?

What are YOU Made of?
There certainly will be challenges ahead. But this is the time when we all get to ask ourselves, "What are we made of?" Be the one who answers, "Yes, I can."

(Share your own story of optimism. Post a comment or email me at brenda@liveyourbetterlife.com)

New Years Resolutions strategies

2009-01-08T14:46:00Z

It's That Time Again
A new year. Have you made any New Year's resolutions? Many people don't, admitting that they never keep them so they no longer bother. Or we have the same list every year. We give good efforts for a few weeks, then our good intentions wane. Our resolutions collect dust until the calendar changes again then we drag out that same dog-eared list, hoping that this year will be different.

What do we need to do to actually succeed? Here's the real question that we need to ask ourselves.

What's Holding You Back?
There are powerful reasons, maybe not logical ones, but compelling reasons, why we end up abandoning our goals. Until we answer this key question, we're doomed to merely attempt yet not succeed at our goals. We say we want to lose weight, make more money, clean out the garage, learn another language, or go to the gym more often. Why aren't we? There are obstacles in our way and we have to acknowledge them and deal with them as part of our strategy of success.

Let's take losing weight, because that's on so many people's lists.

Common Obstacles
Here are a few common reasons why losing weight is so hard.
No time to cook
No time to work out
Really like fat and sugar
Don't know how to eat right
Hate exercise
Love to eat
Fat gives emotional protection from the outside world
Being fat is easier

Some of these have simple logistical answers on the face of it. Take my personal favorite, no time to work out. This is a legitimate reason in my life. I work a lot. I hate working out in the morning before work; 5:30 in the morning is way too early for my body to work out, and that's my writing time. The thought of schlepping myself to the gym after working 11 hours just didn't seem like something I wanted to do either. But I also had to acknowledge that plenty of very busy people still find time to work out. Condoleesa Rice is on the treadmill at 5 AM. Obama is getting his workouts in.

Real Obstacles
So clearly I can't use this as an excuse. What's the real obstacle? The real obstacle was I just didn't want to add another obligation to my already busy day. That was an interesting revelation. But knowing that was the real obstacle allowed me to deal with it. I had to give myself reasons to make it a positive experience, and one that I could commit to reliably.

Here's what I've done for the past month. (I got a head start before the New Year. Why wait?) I work out four times a week. Twice on the weekend; time is less of an issue then. Twice a week I go directly to the gym from work. I realized I could not go home first. The temptation to hunker down would be too great. Do not pass go, so to speak. I meet my husband and teenage daughter there. I'm fortunate that they also wanted to be working out more. Meeting them there gives me another reason to keep the commitment. No way am I going to be the one to bail out! I pick a treadmill right in front of the TV's so I can watch CNN. I love watching the news, so I can actually look forward to this. But the best part is I take a sauna after I work out. This is my immediate reward. All these things together are helping me deal with that true obstacle which basically was... I just didn't want to do it.

What's your real obstacle?
So ask yourself..whether you're beginning a new venture, wanting to learn something new, or taking care of yourself..what's your real obstacle?

(Have a New Year's resolution and some great strategies to succeed? Post a comment!)

Heavy Snowfall and Dead-end Roads

2008-12-28T17:25:00Z

My Dog Ate My Homework...
Last week Oregon had record snowfall, a full foot or more. For people who panic at a dusting of an inch of snow, this created complete havoc. I was blessedly on vacation on the heaviest snowfall day, which only meant I wasn't scheduled to be at the office. Which was a good thing.

You know how sometimes you wake up just because you sense something is wrong? At six in the morning I woke to that odd sensation. There was too much light in our bedroom. Someone had to be shining headlights into our driveway. And where was my husband? I then realized the room was freezing and the furnace hadn't turned on. I heard banging noises in the basement. My hub, the man who can fix anything, was undoubtedly trying to get the furnace going. That didn't explain the lights outside or the strange scraping noise coming from the road.

I pulled up the blinds to see a sight difficult to comprehend given that we live on a tiny dead-end rural road. A huge semi-trailer had jackknifed directly in front of our driveway. The rear wheels rose completely off the ground, the front jammed into the woods that line the road. It completely blocked our driveway. I mumbled out loud, "This can't be good."

I shuffled downstairs where my husband sat, greasy and sweaty, with a pile of tools in front of our 40-year old furnace. "What's up with the truck outside?" I asked.

He scowled up at me. "I have no idea what you're talking about. I'm trying to fix this. "

Okaay. He'll find out soon enough. And I did want the furnace to be fixed. I traipsed back upstairs to get dressed and investigate. I thought how glad I was that didn't have to get to work that day. It would sound like the, "My dog ate my homework," excuse.

I heard the furnace rumble on. My husband is my hero.

Country Living
We live in a unique area. Although we're only twenty minutes from the city of Portland, it's rural. Several of our neighbors are descendants of the original homesteaders. They have 80-acre tracts and their families have lived there for over 100 years. At the end of our little road the original log home of one of the families still stands, a tiny structure with a floor space little bigger than the square footage of a king sized bed. Our road is named after another family who still lives there. Their sprawling property has three homes; the original home and two others for the grown kids, their kids, and grandchildren. Plus they have vineyard and a small logging operation. Which brings me to the jackknifed truck.

This family sells firewood. Gary buys up wood, cuts it into firewood, and sells it all over the state. He transports it in semi-trucks. Semi-trucks are not good snow vehicles. Especially when the grown son driving neglects to put on chains. He got stuck while going up the road, in the direction of the dead-end, at 1:30 in the morning. That explains how the event occurred, without all the colorful language from father to son.

With the front of the truck facing away from the road's access, this posed a problem. How would a tow truck get in to pull it out?

This is where having a unique neighborhood is a blessing. Another neighbor (there are only 8 homes on the road) owns an exercise equipment company. His estate, complete with helicopter pad, boasts a long private drive. On the backside of his property is an orchard with another gravel road that goes to another dirt road that leads to a paved public road. Got that? If his driveway intersected with the orchard road, and that could be plowed, that could be the route for the tow truck. Fortunately, they did. He immediately gave permission for access, and Gary brought out his tractor to plow a path. It's really convenient to have your own snowplow. I now have snowplow envy.

Meantime, my husband and I discovered that our internet access was not working either. Living in the country, where there is no DSL, we get our access from a line-of-sight tower from a nearby hill. The truck was positioned directly in the line-of-sight. This posed more issues. I attempted to access work on line because the staffer I'd put in charge of covering for me was stuck at his house with a broken pipe, with water all over his townhouse, waiting for the plumber to arrive.

Not only was I trapped physically, I couldn't work remotely either. I was sure I was the only person who ever said, "I can't get this done because a semi-truck is blocking my internet access." I thought about that little log home up the road. The family who lived there may have frozen their butts off in the winter but at least they weren't crippled by not having their internet access work.

Safety First
Mid-morning arrived and all the neighbors hiked out to survey the scene. For folks who had already been housebound due to the heavy snowfall for several days, it became a social event. We got caught up on family news. The mail carrier arrived and personally handed out mail to everyone since he couldn't get to the mailboxes. A line of men formed in the truck and on the ground to unload all the firewood from the truck to lighten the load. They heaved from one set of hands to another, tossing the logs into a pile. A mountain of firewood formed on our front lawn.

A roar came from the distance, and a massive red tow truck lumbered down the road, having successfully traveled the circuitous route in. The owner, a grizzled older man with sparkling eyes, and a younger man, surveyed the situation. "This isn't safe," the grizzled man announced, looking with alarm at the men in the truck unloading the wood as the truck tilted to the side.

They hooked up an elaborate cabling system, connecting the stuck semi to the tow truck and to two of our trees to stablize it until all the wood was unloaded. Gary sighed. Safety cost $500 an hour. My husband reminded him that if someone got crushed it would cost a lot more.

Finally, late in the afternoon, the tow truck yanked the semi from the woods and our driveway. The temperature had risen, and large chunks of snow fell from the fir trees. The snow and ice softened on the road. Our internet access returned. Things felt like they were returning to normal.

Community
Now the snows are nearly gone. Oregon is having more predictable weather, which here means incessant rain, what we charmingly call, "Oregon sunshine." Our next challenge will be the high winds and flooding that will undoubtedly occur on the low farmlands that lead to our road. We're prepared for the power outages that come when trees blow down over the power lines. We know that our road will be the last one to get power restored because there are so few of us. Then we and our neighbors will check on each other to make sure we've got enough gas for the generators we all have to get us through days without power. We'll laugh and trade stories together about our hardships.

I'm glad to be part of the adventure!

(Have a snow story of your own? Post your comment!)

Get a Synergy Buddy

2008-12-24T03:04:00Z

Find Someone who Energizes You
You have a project, a goal, a big and crazy idea that you think might work. Your enthusiasm is bursting from the seams! But the road to success is a process, sometimes a long one. Not everyone in your life--family, co-workers, friends, acquaintances-- shares your unbridled enthusiasm. They may not have the same ability to visualize as you do. Or the project is just out of their experience or understanding. And there are those who are just negative thinkers, who can't imagine someone they know coming up with a big idea and making it happen. Maybe your project isn't even that huge, it's just important to you. You want to get commit to an exercise program or lose weight. Finally build a shop in the garage. Make some change in your life. If if it's important to you, if it seems big to you, that's all that matters.

You need a synergy buddy!

Part cheerleader, part coach
A synergy buddy plays a unique role in your life. They are part cheerleader, part coach, part reality checker. The biggest quality is that they believe in you. They have a positive, you-can-do-it attitude. They'll give honest feedback with sound reasons. A good synergy buddy has something they're working on too. You're a synergy buddy for them as well. A good synergy buddy relationship works for both people with even give and take. Together you share your goals, your plans for achieving. Your synergy buddy might be your work-out partner. They motivate you to get out of bed in the dark to meet them for a run because you know they'll be waiting for you. You motivate them to do the same. Synergy buddies are writers who critique each other's scripts, aspiring actors who encourage each other through endless auditions, entrepreneurs who share business plans, and friends who go to their weekly Weight Watchers meetings together.

Where are they?
A synergy buddy is sometimes a friend already in your circle. Often though, just as with finding a mentor, it's someone you have to bring into your life. Synergy buddies for your professional life are found in professional organizations and through networking. Find someone who is about at your same level in their work. This is different than a mentor. A mentor has already made it. You need them too. But your synergy buddy is someone who is walking in your shoes right now. They understand your challenges right now.

I've found synergy buddies in writer's groups, professional organizations, and at work. Begin talking to people. Be aware if you feel a connection with them, if you like their energy. Then make a working lunch appointment or set up a phone call. DIscuss what kind of feedback each of you are looking for and how you can help each other. You're on your way to building a synergy buddy relationship!

(Share some of your synergy buddy stories. Post a comment!)

Notice the Roads in Front of You

2008-12-19T06:25:00Z

Choices In our Field of Vision
We always have choices in life. We just often don't notice them. It's a lot like driving in your car but only paying attention to the roads you know, the ones you travel on habitually. All the rest become a blur. We're just not paying attention.

I realized this the time I had to go to a store on a street I'm not familiar with. It was in an area I do frequent though. I asked my husband for directions, because the man knows every street in a 50-mile radius. At least that's how it seems to me. He's like a walking navigation system. He told me the exit to take, one I'm very familiar with. "Then when you get to the light at Cornell, go straight instead of turning right," he said matter-of-factly.

I imagined the road in my mind, following it off the freeway to the stoplight. I frowned. "But you can't go straight there. It dead-ends. You can only go right or left," I replied with complete confidence.

He stared back at me as though I had lost my mind. "You're kidding, right? The road goes straight ahead. Immediately ahead. It's a wide two-lane street." He gestured broadly with his hands."You can't miss it."

I thought again. I could not picture anything but the road ending in a T shape, with no possibility of going straight. I'd been on the road to that intersection a hundred times. "No you can't." I lobbed back.

This went on for several minutes. "You've been ON that road. You took Sierra there to a gym camp when she was little," he said with exasperation.

I remembered the gym. I didn't remember how I got there. I was sure he was mistaken. But I do realize my husband has a better sense of direction than I do, so I finally said, "I can't picture this. I'll do what you say, but I'm going to call you on the phone and have you talk me through it."

He sighed. "Okay. Call me."

Driving with Blinders On
The next day I took the described exit. I called him on my cell phone. He answered, prepared to assist me in my route-finding challenge. I approached the stoplight. And then my mouth dropped open.

"Do you see it now?" my husband asked gently.

There, right in front of me, just as he'd described it, was the road. Or rather the extension of the road on which I was already driving. It was a beautiful road; a wide suburban street, nicely paved. It included turning lanes and landscaping! How on earth had I never noticed this? Then I did remember that I had taken it once ten years or so ago to the gym camp. Then I apparently blocked it out of my mind.

Choose to See More
This was such a powerful metaphor for how we live life. I'd never noticed the road right in front of me because I was so trained to go the other direction. The habit of turning the other way was so ingrained that I completely blocked any other option from my vision. Yet it was right in front of me the whole time. All I had to do was shift my vision. Look around. Notice the world around me.

How often do we do this in our lives? Habits are powerful. Our comfort zones seize us. We create the bubbles we live in and rarely look outside of it.

Tomorrow when you wake up, or when you go to bed, ask yourself. "What am I not seeing that's right in front of me?"

(Post a comment! Share your story of either missing something right in front of you...or noticing it. )

Thanksgiving Wishes

2008-11-27T15:39:00Z

Thoughts of Thanksgiving
On Thanksgiving we reflect on what we're grateful for. With all the turmoil and bad economic news, this holiday makes us think of the core things for which we are grateful. Here are some of mine:

I'm grateful for a wonderful husband and daughter who are both healthy. They bring unbounded joy into my life.
For my own good health. I can walk, talk and see when there are so many who are not so blessed.
I'm grateful my 86-year old mother is still alive and taking tap-dancing lessons. She is an inspiration.
That my husband's parents are still alive and healthy and hosting Thanksgiving dinner for 35.
For all my friends, scattered all across the country. Each of you hold a special place in my heart.
For the wonderful people I work with. There is no more creative, fun group who also possess big hearts anywhere.
I appreciate that I live in a beautiful part of the country, in a serene spot where I can hear the red-tailed hawks overhead and the coyotes at night.
I'm grateful to live in the United States, where we can vote, speak our minds, and where women can pursue their dreams.
I'm grateful that November 4 saw a record-number of Americans vote. The sight of millions of Americans and people all over the world weeping with joy and hope...it shows that there is a profound connection between us all.
I am grateful for the beauty of each day; the pink light of dawn, the golden fall leaves, the moon casting shadows across the countryside.

Reflect on the things you're grateful for.

Have a wonderful, safe holiday!

Right-Now Time Management

2008-11-15T18:58:00Z

Managing the Fear by Taking Action
First, let's all breathe deeply. The economy is in the tank, we're afraid to look at our investment statements, fear is in the air. Fear only makes things worse. The best antidote to fear, and the best way to protect your job or your business, is to take action.

This requires a whole new level of attitude and time management. We feel overwhelmed because we're doing more with less staff and resources. I hear people at all levels, from the production line to upper management, in diverse businesses, all saying the same thing: "I've never worked so hard in my life," and "The intensity level is off the chart." As time goes on, we may have even less staff and resources as businesses are forced to cut expenses.

Now more than ever is the time to refocus your priorities. When you're on target with your efforts, fear subsides because you know you're doing the right things to manage through this uncertain time. Be bold. And don't look back.

Only Focus on the Truly Most Critical Tasks
You can only be effective at a few key things daily. Your to-do list is always going to be much longer than the time you have to accomplish it. If you're a manager, you must spend time only on high-level items and managing your people. You've got to be brutally selective about which projects you spend time on. It may not be the tasks or projects that you've traditionally done or focused on. As the sands shift, you have to reassess what are the most critical agenda items for today.

Each morning, ask yourself, "What is the ONE most critical thing I MUST do today?" You should be concentrating on the things that have the greatest return on getting the best product out the door, or making money, either by saving money or increasing revenue. Determine what those critical things are. Everything else can wait. It's that simple.

Log your time for a Week
How are you actually spending your time? To find out, log your time on the job for a week. Write down everything--how long you spent on each phone call, on email, track how much email you receive and send, time in meetings, paperwork, managing people if you're a manager, everything. It's a tedious exercise but I guarantee if you do it even for a few days it will be incredibly enlightening. Unless you are already a master at time management, you'll find that you're spending far too much time doing things that do not meet the test of a critical task.

Schedule Your Time
Now that you've decided what your critical tasks are, schedule time to do them. We schedule meetings, why aren't we scheduling time in the day to perform our best and most valuable work? Estimate how long it will take you to do the job and block it out on your calendar. Give yourself 10-20% more time than what you think you need if you've never done a time estimate for the task or project before.

Remember to Monitor Your Stress Level
Stress can have a major impact on your health. My own body gives me very specific feedback when I'm not managing my stress level. My shoulders and neck hurt. I feel drained, exhausted. I hate feeling that way. I have too much to do to not be at my best.

Stress is why millions are watching the live puppy-cam. That's the website that just has a camera locked down on a batch of cute puppies. They sleep, roll over, play with each other. It's relaxing. People watch it at work for relief. If watching the puppy-cam for a few minutes helps, go for it. I have a few 'worry stones' at my desk. They're polished, pretty stones with a thumb-sized impression in them. You hold one in your hand and rub it with your thumb. It has a relaxing effect, and I'm reaching for them more often lately!

Find ways that are easily accessible to manage your stress while you work. Drink herbal tea. Take a walk around the building or walk outside for a few minutes. Stretch. Do deep breathing. Share funny stories so you can laugh. And managers, remember to be giving more feedback to your people. They need it more than ever.

Have Fun too
Schedule time into your day to do something you enjoy. It can be as simple as watching a DVD at home. Playing a game with your kid. Having coffee with a friend. Taking a walk with your dog. Watching that puppy cam. Anything that makes you smile.

Life seems very serious right now. But we will all get through this uncertain time. I have incredible hope for our country. We all just have to be part of the solution!

(Post a comment! Let me know if this topic was useful to you and what other topics you'd like to read about.)

You are Your Brother's and Sister's and Neighbor's Keeper

2008-11-03T04:54:00Z

A Late-Night Knock on the Door
The night before Halloween someone rang our doorbell after midnight. We live in a rural area. No one comes by unexpectedly, let alone late at night. My husband opened the door to find the county sheriff asking when we'd last seen the neighbor across the road.

Our neighbor, Jacob, lived alone. He was a nice man who kept to himself, in his mid-fifties. We'd see him occasionally when we'd get the mail or take a walk and we would chat with him about goings-on in the area and current events. He said nice things about others, a live-and-let-live kind of guy. But in the ten years or so that he'd lived next to us, we'd never once seen anyone visit him.

My husband told the sheriff we hadn't seen him in a couple of weeks, but that wasn't unusual. The sheriff said Jacob's mother in another state had called the sheriff, worried. She hadn't been able to reach him for a few days and she knew he wasn't out of town. No one had answered the door. They were going to break into the house

They entered the home and found him passed away inside. Alone. He'd put his garbage out Monday, so he probably passed away sometime Monday night or Tuesday. He wasn't found until early Friday morning. I was heartbroken to think of this man dying all alone.

A Premonition
Only a week before I'd said to my husband, 'You know, Jacob is the kind of guy who could pass away in his house and no one would know for days or weeks." My husband reminded me that I'd said this. He didn't have to remind me. As soon as the sheriff came calling, I remembered those chilling words.

I'd said them a few days after I'd stopped by his house, but he hadn't answered his door. I noticed that his property, which was never kept up, looked worse than usual. I wondered how anyone could live like that. I had a passing thought that maybe I should call him. I wasn't sure what I'd say. So I didn't call.

He was still alive at that point. I saw him pulling in and out of his driveway since that day. But I did have an undefined instinct that something was wrong...or was going to go wrong. Could I have done anything for him? I don't know. I don't even know what caused his death. The police only told us he didn't die by an intruder's violence. Still, I think I should called. Because I think I was the only one who had an inkling that something wasn't right.

Check on People Who Live Alone
This awful incident got me thinking about the people I know who live alone. A close colleague told me once that she knew that if she didn't show up for work, I'd notice. I'd call. I would, of course, but after this incident I also realized I needed more information than just her phone number. How would I get into the house if she didn't answer? Who would I call if there was an emergency?

We think about checking on family members and neighbors who are elderly. But we need to check on everyone who lives alone. Ask them for phone numbers of people they'd want called in an emergency. People fall down steps, they have heart attacks.

Those of you who read this blog regularly know I usually write upbeat, motivational pieces. But this event saddened me deeply. No one should die alone and lie there for days before the sheriff breaks into the house.

(Share more thoughts you have about how to take care of the people around you. Post a comment or email me at brenda@liveyourbetterlife.com)

Keep a Sense of Humor About Yourself

2008-10-27T03:43:00Z

Everyone Does Silly Things
I gave a speech last week in which I shared a few of my own stories about the ridiculous things I've done when I've been too harried. I wore two different pairs of shoes to work---and didn't notice it until 4:00 in the afternoon. I blow-dried my toddler's clothes dry while she was wearing them when I realized the dryer hadn't done the whole job. I drove my kid 20 miles to preschool without realizing she wasn't wearing any shoes.

My daughter is now a teenager and I saw her pressing her skirt using one of those flat irons that straighten hair. In true like mother-like daughter, she was wearing the skirt while using this make-shift ironing arrangement. I admired her creative problem solving!

I shared a few more stories. People laughed. But the most delightful part happened afterward when several people approached me to share their own stories about the things they've done when they were just a little too busy.

Dryers, Buttons, and Peanut Butter
Some of these stories had me laughing so hard tears ran down my face. One woman went to work, and in late morning realized there was a lump in her waistband. Hanging over her waistband was a pair of her five year-old's panties stuck there from the last go-round in the dryer. She nonchalantly peeled them off and stuffed them into her pocket, hoping no one noticed.

A man said he'd once buttoned his shirt to his coat. He wore it that way all morning, and didn't realize it until he went to the restroom and saw his rumpled, crooked suit and shirt in the mirror. He looked ridiculous. And no one had said a word to him all day.

Another older woman confessed to the same different pairs of shoes story---but she said in her case, the shoes were vastly different, one had a heel about an inch higher. All day she lurched around awkwardly. It was very uncomfortable. Then she shared my favorite story of all.

This woman loved perfume. It was one of her little pleasures while raising several kids. One day at work she smelled peanut butter. She realized it was coming from her. From behind her ears. She touched behind her ears and realized instead of perfume, she'd put a dab of peanut butter behind her ears while making the kids' sandwiches!

Laugh at Yourself
Hearing these funny stories made me realize how we're all just trying to get by every day. The people who told me their mishaps were relieved to hear that someone else had experienced a moment when they weren't, shall we say, at their best! I know I was relieved to hear I wasn' t alone in struggling to get out the door with all the store tags off my clothes and wearing matching shoes.

We all do these silly things. What struck me too was that in everyone's case, no one said a word to them. Are we really not noticing these things in each other? Or are we too embarrassed to say something to our colleagues and friends, that hey, you have some kids underwear stuck to you?

Now that we know we we all have our moments, let's agree to speak up. Next time you see someone with a misplaced article of clothing stuck to them, say something. Laugh. Tell them you've done something just like that yourself. And tell them your story. You'll both get a laugh out of it!

(Do you have your own story to tell? Post a comment or email me at brenda@liveyourbetterlife.com. Let me know of other topics you'd like to read about)

Look at Your Surroundings

2008-10-01T13:50:00Z

Your Surroundings Reflect You
Look around your environments and discover how your mood and self-image is reflected in the space. If you can't be objective, look at the space of other people. Is the person with the desk piled high with papers and crumpled bags of fast food strewn all over the person you would rely on to manage details of a project? Is the person whose car is filled with old soft drink containers, candy wrappers, and hardened crumbs of undetermined origin someone who you think is taking care of their fitness and health? Do you notice how different you feel when your home and work space are tidy and organized instead of looking like a tornado ripped through it?

Organize the Stress Away
Merely changing the way your space appears can help you reduce your anxiety. Who can feel good when there's a mess of unopened mail, (wondering what might be lurking in there?) stacks of bills, and to-do lists on the kitchen table? Tidy up. Reduce the piles of magazines, papers, and school projects on the table and counters. Have just one pile of things that have to be dealt with right away. Clean out your car. Get rid of the empty soda cans, juice cartons, food wrappers, toys, and papers. Even vacuum it. Do the same in your work space. It'll give you an instant lift.

Look in your closet. Does it look like the kitchen table did? Give away the clothes you'll never wear again. Organize your remaining clothes in a way that makes sense to you; by color or by clothing type---skirts, pants, tops, dresses--however makes it easy for you to quickly find what you're looking for.

It takes only a few minutes to change your environment. Yet this simple step can help you manage your stress level and mood. Take a couple minutes each day to keep your space organized and sane.

And enjoy the fall colors!

(Comment, let me know if this was useful to you. I love to hear suggestions for future topics!)

Managing Stress in Highly Stressful Times

2008-09-28T18:25:00Z

Fear is Not Unreasonable
The stock market is unstable, jobs are uncertain, and the cost of oil has driven everyday budgets out of whack. We filled up our oil tank last week. It cost nearly $1,000! That at least will get us through the mild winter in the Pacific Northwest. But my family back east..they'll be spending that every month. Just to heat the house. So feeling concerned about the current time, let alone the near future, is not unreasonable.

But we can't be paralyzed by our fear. We've got to manage our own behaviors to manage our stress.

Take Care of Your Health
The last thing you need is to get sick. To cope with stressful times, you've got to be healthy. When we're experiencing a high level of stress, it's very easy to neglect the few basic things that keep us healthy. Getting enough sleep. Eating well. Exercising. Taking a few minutes to meditate or pray every day. Sleep, exercise, and meditating or praying cost absolutely no money. It is the greatest "return on investment" you can get! Make each a priority.

Be the Star at Work
This is not the time to whine. Be as efficient as you can. Ask your boss what they need from you to increase their success. Be visible. The people who get laid off are the ones who are considered expendable. Don't be that person.

Re-budget
With gas and heating costs at these levels, something else has got to go. Avoid going into debt to pay everyday bills. Concentrate on the truly vital expenses. Delay, trim, or eliminate everything else. Maybe you don't want to give up cable, but you can unsubscribe to the premium channels. Cancel your land line phone. Change your cell phone plan to a cheaper one. Drive less. Shop for groceries at warehouse-style outlets. Start looking for coupons. When I saw a person in front of me in the check-out line save $30 on her bill by using coupons, I became a coupon convert.

It's better to trim back and feel the pinch than have the additional stress of getting further in debt. If you're living within your means you will feel empowered. The slow-down is temporary. The economy will improve. Your industry will retrench or a new opportunity will arise. We just need first aid for current conditions.

Remain positive
Attitude is everything. Remain optimistic! Haven't you noticed that it's the optimists who have successful and happy lives? The people with the cloud over their head, who continually say "I can't.." are the ones who live difficult, troubled lives.

Be the person who says "I can." Take care of yourself. Take action to respond to challenging times. Know that you can adapt and thrive. No matter what comes your way!

(Do you have a comment or suggestion on this topic or others you'd like to read about? Send them on!)

Give Your to-do List a Makeover

2008-09-21T21:48:00Z

Focus on What's REALLY Important
In a time-starved life, you have to continually concentrate on only the things that are most important. That's true in your job, and in your personal life. The problem is, our to-do lists keep getting longer!

I've realized is that you have to keep reviewing the to-do list and changing it. When more things get piled on, you've got to take something off. We may be super-women, even super-extreme women. But we're not machines. Things that once seemed critically important may now have to go in favor of a new task or goal that now is even more important. Adapting to change does not mean simply adapting to the changes around you. You've got to change how you behave.

Why am I doing this?
It's a simple question. We just hardly ever ask it. Why am I doing a specific task? Most of the time we do it just because we've always done it that way. We don't know how to do it any other way--or it never even occurred to us to try. The bigger question is: Why is it really important that I do this? Why is it important that I do it in this particular way? What would happen if I didn't?

As time goes on, many things we thought were vital at one time simply become less important. They've been replaced by more crucial things. Technology changes, people change, our own priorities change. These are useful questions whether we're thinking about a family tradition, or a task at work, or how you do the laundry.

Do only the things that are truly vital tasks. At work, focus on the big actions that truly determine your job performance and contribution. Outside of work, focus on the things that give you the greatest joy with your family and friends.

Be Selfish with Your Time
We want more time. More time to be with our families, our friends, and to have fun. We want to use time more efficiently to be more successful in our jobs. Time is all we have in the end. It's up to us to use it wisely. That's why it is okay, in fact, it's vital that you be selfish with your time.

Take a look at your to-do list. Keep only the things that:

Only you can do
Directly impact an important goal
Will bring you satisfaction or happiness

It's as simple as that. Do it today. Give your to-do list a makeover!

(Post a comment! Let me know what topics are most useful and what you'd like to read about.

Take a self-defense class

2008-09-12T13:57:00Z

Feel Your Own Power
This week I took a self-defense class for women with my teenage daughter. The local sheriff's department offered it as part of their crime-prevention program. I'd never taken one, and I thought it would be a fun and useful mommy-daughter experience. It was eye-opening, muscle-challenging, yelling at the top of your lungs fantastic!

Twenty women of all ages, with several mom and daughter teams assembled in a dreary building to learn from Shawn and Jamie, local cops who specialized in the training. Shawn was 6 foot four with tattoos covering both arms and built like a tank. Jamie was a woman, tall and blond with the straight body of an athlete. There was no question that these people had encountered their share of dirtbags in their career. To both of their credit they'd managed to maintain their senses of humor.

Talking about self-defense
First we learned about the best tear gas, (stream, not spray) the right way to use your keys as a weapon, and all the everyday things we do that can put you at risk. Like parking your car by a van (so the bad guy can drag you into it) drinking from a drink someone else got for you, (get your own drink so nobody can slip a date-rape drug in it) and not locking your doors. Seriously--people still do that?

Sufficiently scared that now I should never leave my house--and while in my house I should have all doors and windows locked, a can of tear gas by my side and a big dog at my feet, we went to upstairs for the real deal.

Fighting
We entered an even more dreary room with padded walls and wall-to-wall mats. High on the walls were posters that read, "The more we sweat in training, the less we bleed on the streets," and "The difference between sport and combat is in combat you bury the one who comes in second."

We learned how to stand like a cop, always ready for combat. Then we learned how to hit. This is a mysterious thing for women. As girls, we don't learn how to do that. Guys do, we don't. We learned how to use all the weight of our bodies and how to yell, really yell, while hitting. The gym was filled with 2 dozen women yelling like fierce warriors.

Then it was time for real combat. Shawn and another guy cop, Josh, (who my daughter commented was really hot) suited up in bad-guy wear. All black outfits. Padded so we couldn't hurt them. At least not fatally, though Shawn said he'd had more than one concussion in the class. Then one by one we began to experience combat.
We were given real-life scenarios. You're in the grocery parking lot. You're walking to your car after the football game. Shawn and Josh played the bad guys perfectly, with exactly the dialog every woman has heard.

"Hey baby, you're looking fine." "You got the time?" "Hey don't I know you?"

Each woman took her turn. Get into combat stance. Try to verbally make them go away. "Back off! Back off!" Then fight. Fight to survive. Fight to get away.

100 Pounds of Fierceness
It was an empowering experience to see several tiny women battle their way out. I'd never heard so much fearsome noise come from the mouth of girl who couldn't have been more than 100 pounds. My daughter was slammed against the wall, carried, and tossed to the ground and she fought him off,her long red hair twisting around her. I was so proud of her.

In my encounter I heeded the "fight early and fight hard" technique. I threw the first punch. Kicked. I experienced what Shawn had talked about-the tunnel vision effect. Where all you see is a very small circle directly in front of you. It's why people have a hard time remembering details. I don't remember what Josh said to me before the encounter. All I remember is his giant chest in my face. I forgot to yell. But I got away. That's what counts.

When we left, it was dark. All of us had our keys in our hands, holding them properly so they could be used as a weapon if needed. We looked around. We felt prepared.

Take a self defense class. It's fun. It's empowering. And where else can you scream at the top of your lungs?

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Take Charge of Your Relationships

2008-09-07T18:05:00Z

It only takes one person to change a relationship
Everyone experiences difficult relationships, or difficult parts of an otherwise good relationship. What do we do when we encounter these? We stew. We get frustrated. We blame the other person for how unreasonable they are. We feel powerless when we have to deal with the person. It all around just feels bad. It doesn't have to be that way.

You can't control how others behave. You can only control your own reactions. But if you change your own actions and attitudes around difficult encounters, you will find that you will improve your relationships. Guaranteed.

Ask for what you need
A colleague once came to me, exasperated about her manager. The manager had left her and some of her team members out of key decisions. Her manager was uncommunicative and left her feeling adrift, angry, and demeaned. I listened for a long time. My own perception of this manager was that he was very competent and "managed up" well. I was confident that he respected his team. But things were obviously awry between him and his staff. Since I could not intervene directly without breaching confidentiality, I gave my colleague a few specific words of advice.

I told her to ask for a weekly meeting. She needed to explain to the manager that in order for her to do her best work, to help him and the department achieve their goals, she needed a regular 'check-in time." She asked that time be reserved only for discussing major issues and things that needed decisions made, so it would be the best use of his time. I counseled her to frame the conversation in terms of helping further his success. I told her to wait until she cooled down to talk him.

The very next day my colleague called me. She'd had the talk, and it went great. The manager was receptive and grateful. My colleague was relieved. The relationship was completely turned around. She thanked me profusely. All she needed to do was ask for what she needed.

Simply smile and be respectful
This seems so basic, yet it's easy to forget. Have a person who just rubs you the wrong way but you have to deal with them? Dread dealing with them? Just force yourself to be nice to them. Smile when you see them. Say their name when you greet them. Ask them how they are. Thank them for whatever they do for you or help you with. Wow, you'll be amazed how far this goes. You'll feel better encountering them. They will feel better dealing with you. You'll change the whole relationship. It won't happen in just one encounter. Just keep up your positive part of the exchange.

Understand that people make decisions and "see" the world differently
People have different ways they take in information that determines how they behave. Some people are analytical. They like a lot of information in writing. It takes them a long time to make decisions because they like to crunch the data and analyze it before making a decision. Others are seat of the pants types. They make decisions quickly, often from a gut-feeling. How we receive information is different too. Some people are very visual. They use phrases like, "It looks to me..." "The way I see it..." Some are cued to feelings. They'll say, "It feels to me like.." Some are more tuned to auditory cues, ie' "It sounds to me.." There is no right or wrong way here, people are just different. Understanding those differences is the key.

Adjustment yourself to the other person's style
My own personality is what the personality tests call a driver, or a controller. I like to make decisions quickly and get moving. I'm also highly visual. What matters to me is what I see. If I don't see it, it's not likely to get my attention at all.

My husband is much more analytical and he's more of the sensory-feeling type than visual. This has caused both conflict and amusement in our long marriage. He knows the water softener needs a new bag of salt. Until the water turns brown, I would never notice. He could care less about weeds in the front lawn. It matters to me because I see them every time I drive up to the house.

I adjust my expectations to know that when we need to decide something together, it's going to take longer than it would if it was something I have to decide alone. However, I know that my husband likes collecting data. He likes pouring over the information. Since I hate doing that, we make a great team! He makes all the calls and goes on line to investigate roofing types, and comparing cost vs. attributes. Then he'll show me the choices so we can talk about them.

I know he's going to need to think about things. What I need is to not be there while he's going through that process. Because that will drive me crazy.

Likewise at work, I've had bosses who were analyticals. I learned to give them a pile of data in writing, then walk away and ask them about it the following week!

Whether it's your family or your co-workers, be the one to show flexibility in how you behave. Your relationships will all be better for it.

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